Girl On Fire

My Story: Mystery of the Fire

A show of hands, how many have ever answered with, "I’m Fine".

All the while all you feel this burning sensation, a fire so intense you think you’ve gone blind?

Imagine you’re walking down the street and you see a five story building is on a fire, the flames burst through the fifth floor windows. It shatters the windows, making it rain on the bystanders. You notice that the flames look like they are dancing, being called to the top of the roof. Suddenly, our attention is broken by the sirens of the fire truck approaching. The firemen jump out of the truck and rush to attach the fire hose to the fire hydrant, they line up to hold the hose and begin spraying the building. They try and try to distinguish the fire but nothing is helping to bring it down. Quite the opposite begins to happen, they’re just adding to the fire. Unable to tame and find the source of the fire, they call in an investigator.

What if for a moment, you are all a detective! You get the call, there’s a fire and in this fire the sounds of someone experiencing extreme pain can be heard. You get your trench coat on, notepad in hand, and of course, you wouldn’t want to go there alone because I made need support. Isn’t it important to have a partner when you’re going into any and all investigation?

You make your way up on this rooftop and you see this woman with no clothes, no jacket, nothing, just in extreme pain, she is the FIRE.

Ice bags are placed all over her.

As you walk closer to her, you noticed her eyes are closed tightly. The heat and the warmth of the tears sting so badly that she’s unable to open her eyes to see you.

So you ask her, "Miss are you ok?"

And her response is “Oh, I’m Fine!” As she says this, you can hear the detachment between in her voice and her words.

What and where was this detachment coming from? How was it possible, standing there with no clothes on, can she give off so much heat that she IS the source of the fire?

As you continue with the investigation, you take notice of the color pigmentation of her skin, the trail of dried dead skin on the ground, and the rising hives; you realize this all came from ANGER!

Now when talking to this person she seemed oddly and yet, very familiar. You can sense her feeling of frustration. She’s frustrated with all the things the doctors were saying, with the experiences she’s going through that she cannot explain to people but she knew something was off inside. Now image she has a partner that was feeding all the wrong fire.

So, I sat down and started to go over my notes and details of the investigation, I realized she was ME.

She is ME!

Somewhere along the road, I had become detached from myself and who I truly am, in an attempt to fit cultural and societal norms. I silenced my voice and this fire was burning me from the inside out.

My body was screaming "Let go, let go of the anger."

The feelings of frustration and fear only amplified as I sat in the doctor's office and when asked "How are you?" My innate response was to say, I’m FINE. My skin began to itch, it turned red and hot, more than when I walked in. And yet, I walked out the office with a list of sterilizing prescription.

When did I become so complacent?

For so long, I had challenged what folks told me. You told me to go right, I went left. You told me left, I went right. There’s a story my sister’s godmother loved to tell about me. I must have been about 2-3yrs old still in diapers. I was playing on the floor and she walked by me, accidentally stepping on me. In most instances a child would cry. I on the other hand did not. As she likes to tell it, I waited till she sat down and I walked over, planted my diaper behind on her foot, rubbed it and as I got up and walked away I sneakered at her.

But somehow the concept of “Be a nice girl; don’t be so difficult, no one likes an angry loud girl.” Began to take front and center.

And my body was slowly keeping the score.

I had to face the facts, the partner I thought I was going to have on the other side, to support me in this investigation was actually one of the reasons why that FIRE was still there, why that ANGER was still there, why that PAIN was still there.

I bet you can all relate to that.

It’s okay!

It’s okay to admit that today!

Even if you only admit it to yourself because I had to be my own detective to investigate what was really going on with me. So my question to you, my question to you is; are you willing to investigate as well?

I did!

I had realized I had embodied the numbness of “I’m Fine”, I had to accept that in playing the role of the doormat. I too, was to blame because I allowed it. I had made it acceptable. Looking in the mirror and admitting it was the hardest part.

The rash that covered my back arms and breast wasn’t the only physical appearance of ANGER. I began to noticed that leading into my cycle I would develop vaginal cysts, my cycle color was off and I had a heavy scent of metal, and lastly, my pH was heavier and more noticeable.

But when asked my new holistic physicians and teachers, I responded with “I’m FINE”.

We don’t realize that the person we thought was great for us is actually one of the reasons why we're stuck in place.

For me, they were a reflection a continual cycle of the toxic male/female dynamic something I had grown up with all my life. Imagine growing up constantly being told and reminded by the adults around you that male narcissistic behavior, “Is just how men are?” that being the sacrificial lamb is the only way to show you’re good enough and makes a good woman.

See, my partner was one of 3 relationship that had slowly conditioned me into stepping into the role so many before me had done, the role of complacency.

And so, you sit there with a blank glare in your eyes, smile and say, “I’m FINE!”

It was only a matter of time before the eruption brewing in and around me would actually come flooding out, and like a most volcanic eruptions, it DID!

In the mist, of trying to understand and find my voice, and heal my skin, I had to confront not only my partner and the relationship we had, but work through my own childhood trauma, and the normality that was ingrained in me. The very duality was the war within me.

Anger like many other emotions is an emotion with layers and I was being forced to let the emotion flow up and out.

I began to understand my bodies constitution, that I needed to align my mind, body and spirit. Which meant changing my diet and my relationship with food, working with plant allies, creating a space to explore my inner child and embracing all the parts of ME, regardless how off putting it may be to others but most importantly, becoming unapologetic about it.

I no longer sought for approval or to be digestible for others!

I have many sides and you can either accept, embrace it or walk away

But one thing is for sure, YOUR GONNA MISS IT!!!

The relationship came to an end but truth be told, I hold no ANGER towards him or others, they were the evidence, I needed to drive home the intergenerational work that needed to be done for me.

In letting this FIRE literally burn me, burn me from the inside and outside, to the ground. I learned how to use this fire, embrace this fire, and become this fire.

So I leave you with one question, and one question only:

HOW ABOUT YOU! ARE YOU READY to uncover your mystery that needs to be solve?

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